you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
