you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
