Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
