when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
