I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
