Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
