My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
