If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
