hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He shit in the fireplace
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
