im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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