it's too hot outside to masturbate.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
