and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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