I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
