you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You've changed since you got that strap on
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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