I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
