Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
