I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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