Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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