Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
