Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
