I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
