Fine. I'll sleep in my office
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Randomize
