This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
