Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
