why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
