I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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