Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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