I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
