I'm lost and stupid without you.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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