apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
