but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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