I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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