bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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