im having a threesome with these popsicles
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
