My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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