My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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