So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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