I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I wear drunk well.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
