It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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