but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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