is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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