what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
