Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
did i walk over a car last night?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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