If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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