Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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