I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
