I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
