You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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