and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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