You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
