Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Couch. On fire.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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