my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
