Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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